Food for the Soul

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, Chocolate in the other- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "whoo..what a ride!!"

The Japanese eat very little fat, the Mexicans a lot, the Chinese drink no red wine and the Italians a lot, the Germans live on beer but the French don't yet it is the Americans who have the most heart attacks.

Now as far as hearts go, they are only good for so many beats..that's it. Do not waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart does not make you live longer; it's like saying that you are driving faster to extend the life of your car. The way to do it is to take a nap!. Also,there are no advantages of an exercise program..no pain is good. Swimming? Have you ever seen a whale? Capiche?

Getting to food and drink. Vegetables? Understand the logistical efficiency..Steak is nothing more than the most efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Green leafy vegetables? Chicken, Mutton, Beef and Pork give you 100% daily allowance of all vegetables. Just be careful to eat only the vegetarian animals. Scared of fried food? Food is fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, it is permeated by it. Now how could getting more vegetables be bad for anyone?

Wine is made from fruit, Brandy is distilled wine (less water more fruit), Beer-whiskey-vodka all pure grain. Good stuff all. Chocolate from cocoa beans (more vegetable) goood!!

Finally for those worried about body/fat ratio, if you have a body you have fat, your ratio is one to one unless you have two bodies..then it's two to one and so on. So just go out there and eat and drink what you like coz your body will always be in shape. After all round is a shape too..

Maobadis .. Shaobadis ..

Maobadis shaobadis.. What's the big deal about them anyway. They say they are reformists and want a new social order. Their means are commendable and their actions swift and sure. They hate schools and hospitals and don't like trains either so they just get rid of them.. Swiftly,surely and completely.
So what if they kill a few hundred jawans on the way to liberation. Life is cheap in india anyway. And if they rape a few women, it is justified after all those are the ways of the jungle and the new social order.
Kishenji as the robinhood of the band of maobadis carries a gun somewhat similar to the flute of the kishenji of olden times. He is playing god after all. They plunder the other poor to give to their own poor and in the process gain control. No arguments just agreements, after all to live on the land is better than living six feet under it.
To wage war against the state is a right of freedom of expression which we should not deny them at any cost.. Even if it means that in the near future all of us would be required to get at least a couple of bullets in each family member. A small price to pay for a new social order.
The goverment dare not smoke them out of the jungles for fear of ruining the environment after all Global Warming is Global and a much larger issue than the Indian state. We must consider that or fear a backlash from the jholawallahs and horror of horrors a candle light vigil at Jantar Mantar. Also the sheer popularity of an interview with untraceable maobadis by our very resourceful media and the publicity and TRPs generated for politicians in the after analysis is beyond what most PR agencies can achieve.
We must give credit to them for providing employment to thousands akin to NREGS and security for all with ample firepower and total delegation of authority to fire. Our poor policemen should probably attend training camps held by them to learn the use of sophisticated weaponery as the 303 is a bit outdated .. Probably by about a 100 years.
The maobadis have achieved what no other political party could, they have succeeded in diverting attention from our border issues and ensured that security personnel in non border postings get as much action if not more in family postings..after all you don't want them to get out of shape do you. Yes, we will lose a few men but then all it will take to forget is one statement or a live screening of an IPL match. Easy.
Maobadis ... Shaobadis.. Let's use them as targets for the Commonwealth Games shooting championships..

The Unwanted Indian Politician

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction as politicians do not go to Heaven. Straight, plain, simple and true.

Once upon a time (since it is a fairy tale) the angel Gabriel came up to the Lord and said "I have a serious problem. We've got some Indians up here in Heaven and they have created havoc. They have put up traffic barriers and are wearing Armani kurtas instead of their simple white robes. They are also riding BMW's and Mercedes', instead of the chariots and are insisting on registration numbers between 1 and 10. "

"They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear and are forever missing sermons for what they call Working Committee meetings. They have put up party flags and hand symbols all over Heaven and are even challenging your election as being undemocratic.They have given out contracts to the holy food providers to supply samosas and tea to their meetings. The others are being very inconvenienced and they need to be disciplined. Oh Lord please help me!"

The Lord as usual listens patiently, then holds his head "Who is this Amar Singh guy?" He asks.

Gabriel shakes his head and says "All I know is that I got an SMS from him saying that he supports my election from the minority community....whatever that means."

"Well" says the Lord "He's set up a hotline between Heaven and Hell and Satan is on the line now and i just have to say the word 'Mayawati' to disconnect"

Satan on line 1 Sir . "Yes ...this is the Lord what can I do for you".

"Lord , Hi, i was wondering if you have been facing the same problem as us down here?" says Satan. " We have got a bunch of Indians who have practically taken over the place. They blend in with their saffron robes and have started planting Lotuses all over Hell." "They have practically destroyed the character of this place and have started installing air conditioning and have imposed what they call as a Uniform Civil Code."

"I am quite fed up and have decided once and for all that my people are not going to take in anyone with the Keywords "Indian" "Politician" involved with them. You can have them all if you want."

"Nooooooo...." says the Lord "Not over my dead body (sic)." "Lets just keep sending them back and let them fight it out amongst themselves."

In the absence of consensus the onus of broking a deal fell back on who else but 'Amar Singh' (The Immortal Lion).

Finally after much persuasion and reservation of few administrative seats for secular parties and minorities in both Heaven and Hell it has been decided to create a Buffer Zone where all the Indian Politicians will be kept and their memories erased so that they cannot have any 'Raaz Pichle Janam Ka'. Signing out..... 'Mayawati'!!!!!